


Hard Candy

by casey_sms (shinygreenwords), shinygreenwords



Category: The Social Network
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Oral Fixation, Party, Seduction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-03
Updated: 2012-01-03
Packaged: 2017-10-28 19:43:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/311506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/casey_sms, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinygreenwords/pseuds/shinygreenwords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dustin is preparing for Chris’s bachelors party. Naturally, this is why Mark is drowning in a sea of dick. A penis pop fix it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hard Candy

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning/kinks:** Lots of dick.
> 
> I blame [](jcmwritesprofile)[**jcmwrites**](jcmwrites) for this. I wanted her to make a graphic of Mark sucking a dick-shaped lollipop instead of a Red Vine and then she was busy so this happened. Thanks to [](princewardoprofile)[**princewardo**](princewardo) for beta-reading this utterly riDICKulous fic ;)

Mark tries to be a good friend, he really does, because he knows that Chris and Dustin stayed for him. And he wants to be a good friend. Friends are important. It is important to be supportive of your friends.

All week Dustin has been coming over to Mark’s place with blow-up dick decorations and dick-shaped straws and other phallic paraphernalia that is both creative and creepy. Mark has no problem with dicks; he has one, he has touched one (or a couple, it’s not a big deal) and he has been called one a few too many times than seems fair. He loves Chris and Dustin, and Chris’s boyfriend is unnaturally nice – but there is just too much dick around his place. Dustin has bought these posters of huge uncircumcised dicks and tacked them up around Mark’s kitchen and he won’t let him take them down.

“You never use the kitchen anyway,” Dustin says by way of explanation as he hangs a fat one right over Mark’s stove.

“Yeah well, I might just so I can burn that one,” Mark says wincing at the full bush of pubes in his face. “Can’t you…roll them up?”

“You’ll crease them,” Dustin whines. “I don’t want unnatural looking folds on these babies.” Dustin touches one reverently, smoothing out invisible creases or whatever. It looks like he’s stroking the massive vein running along the side and Mark can’t watch any longer.

“Ugh, I don’t want to hear you talking about those pictures like that,” Mark says, making a face. “Dustin, what if I have people over? That’s kind of offensive,” Mark says. “They’ll innocently walk into the kitchen, get a dick in the face.”

“Pfft. What people? You don’t invite people over, I invite myself over,” Dustin says. “Plus, you’ve probably done worse.”

“Thank you, Dustin, for comparing my personality to a giant turkey slap.”

“You’re welcome, Mark,” Dustin says with a smile. “Think about it, we won’t have to bother decorating because we’ve already done it. See, I’m such a good friend.”

“They’re giant, hairy, ugly dicks,” Mark complains.

“And?” Dustin says, raising his eyebrows. “What other complaints do you have about these beautiful penii? I didn’t know you were so picky.”

“It’s ‘penises’,” Mark corrects before mumbling, “They’re uncut okay? That’s just gross.”

“Marky Mark,” Dustin crows, clapping excitedly. “I never knew you were so orthodox.”

“It has nothing to do with being Jewish,” Mark snaps. “I just don’t like my dick to look like an elephant’s trunk.”

“Soooo poetic, Mark,” Dustin says with a giggle. “Tell me more.”

“And I don’t like pubic hair. I prefer it when they shave. Or better yet, wax.” There’s no stubble and it just feels…smoother. Mark stops himself from adding more when he catches sight of the wide grin spreading across Dustin’s face.

“You mean…a Brazilian?” Dustin says, waggling his eyebrows.

Mark flushes interestingly and quickly changes the topic. “Anyway, you seriously expect me, or anyone, to eat whilst looking at all of this?” Mark says, gesturing around him.

“Don’t be so sensitive, Mark,” Dustin teases. “They’re just cocks. They aren’t going to hurt you.” Then a thoughtful pause, “Unless that’s totally your thing.”

“Dustin,” Mark says flatly. “No. This is really putting me off eating.”

“It’ll remind you to eat enough protein!” Dustin says chirpily.

“Dustin,” Mark says a little desperately. “Please?”

“It’s Chris’s wedding,” Dustin says firmly, with a hand on his hip. “I want it to be good, no - I want it to be perfect. I’m sorry if you can’t deal with the sea of pricks in your house, but it’s just for another week. I’ve put up with a lot of things from you, Mark, you owe me.” Dustin fixes Mark with a look. “Just close your eyes,” he says wickedly before turning to go. He plants a loud smacking kiss on the blow up dick by Mark’s door.

“You suck!” Mark calls to Dustin’s back, flipping him off.

“No, you go suck a dick!” Dustin says.

Mark slams the door closed. There’s a giant purple dick in his face. “Ugh,” Mark says, slapping his hand over his eyes. He trips over a squeaky fluffy pink sausage toy suspiciously curved like a- “Fuck my life.”

*

Thanks to Dustin, Mark has to desensitize himself to the sight of penis. Even innocuously reaching for the green olives at a conference, only to find them displayed next to an artfully presented dish of cocktail sausages conjures forth unbidden thoughts of dick. Mark blames Dustin so hard.

Ugh. Hard.

He can’t think of anything without thinking about dick. Big hairy ones. Small ones. Beautiful, graceful penises curved like swan’s necks.

He can’t do much about it. He did draw a smiley face on one of the dick pictures but Dustin hasn’t noticed yet.

Mark is not thinking about anything much, maybe except revenge, when he finds a packet of penis pops chilling in the fridge. He’s run out of twizzlers and has been rushing around to have everything finished to Dustin’s obsessive standards before the party. Mark figures he’s been putting up with all the dick at his place, so he deserves a reward. He rips open a clear packet containing a little red penis and pops it into his mouth. Strawberry flavor.

He sets to work again.

He’s just feeling accomplished, having saved the latest set of changes when Dustin shrieks in his ear.

“YOU ARE EATING ALL THE DICKS. HOW COULD YOU?” Dustin wails.

Mark blinks. “You have dick desserts made by every patisseries in Palo Alto. Dick has filled up my _third_ fridge, which I think you bought for me just so you could stock up ‘jolly’ jellies or whatever those things that look more like zombie fingers than any dick I’ve ever seen are called. So I ate a few penis pops? It’s not the end of the world.”

“It took me ages to get them in a rainbow of colors, Mark. Ages. I had to test out all the nasty cheap ones. These are the best. They are not just any penis pops, but the best tasting penis pops. And I had them shipped from Australia. _Australia_ , Mark. Do you know how much express postage costs from all the way across the Pacific? And you have eaten half a packet of dicks in a day. God Mark, couldn’t you suck on something else?”

“Dustin. There’ll be more than enough cock around,” Mark says, taking a blue penis out of the bag before Dustin predictably swipes the rest. “Don’t you think you’re being a little…”

“What?” Dustin snaps, clearly still peeved. He’s counting the dicks left now muttering about how each party bag will have to have one less dick. “We’re billionaires, Mark. What’s the use of being rich if you can’t throw a good party?”

“Mmm,” Marks nods, only half-listening now. He licks his lips. Blueberries. These _are_ really good.

*

The music is good, not college-level loud that you have to scream to be heard but not so soft that you have to talk a lot either. It’s good.

“Are you hiding with the dicks that you said you hated?” Dustin asks, leaning on one casually.

“No,” Mark says quickly. “I’m just appreciating your selection of dick delicacies.” He hastily grabs a banana split. Safe and original. “Mmm, delicious.”

“Why thank you,” Dustin says, though he gives Mark a knowing look. “You know, Mark-”

Mark figures that Dustin is still mad at him because he has his mouth full of a heavenly banana split when Dustin tells him, “Wardo’s here.”

Mark shrugs. He knows he can’t avoid him forever. He just isn’t in a rush to do anything about it either.

“He’s sitting on the fat dick over there.”

Mark chokes on the cream when he catches Eduardo sitting on the beanbag. Eduardo is resting his head on the head of the dick – circumcised – and Mark is not thinking about how sexy Eduardo looks. Or Eduardo’s perfect, circumcised dick. Eduardo’s blazer is draped over his arm, and he is wearing a white shirt that is very thin, and very tight. His pants are also tight, the material stretching over his shapely crotch.

“Yes, Chris wanted him here,” Dustin says quietly. “Now tonight is going to be the best night ever, aside from Chris’s wedding night. So God help you if you fuck this up. I will do more than punch you in the dick, Mark.” Dustin takes a cocktail from the counter and slurps it loudly. He takes a gummy dick from the table and takes a huge bite, smiling at Mark. “Hmm, I’m going to go off and join the dick dancing. Have fun. Do not, under any circumstances, be a dick, Mark.”

Mark finishes the pair of ice cream balls off, pushing whatever they used for fake pubes to the side because pubes are not meant to be ingested, thanks. He’s downing his drink and scanning the room when he meets Eduardo’s eyes. Eduardo holds his gaze evenly. Then he licks the phallic straw in his mouth and winks at Mark.

Mark grabs another cocktail and downs it like a shot.

“Whoa, slow down there buddy. Plenty of _cock_ tails to go around. If you know what I mean?”

Mark turns around to find a guy in a Hawaiian shirt that is open at the chest thrusting his hips obscenely. He’s wearing cargo shorts. Mark bets he has a hairy dick.

“I’m Rico, short for Ricardo and you are?”

“Looking for some shots,” Mark says.

“They’re over there by the huge cock ring platter, brah,” Rico says, while making rap hands. “You’re welcome, brosef!” he says to Mark’s back.

Mark plants himself in front of the platter and plans to drink a whole row. The music is louder here. The only shot glasses left are the novelty ones which require you to suck on the head of the dick so you can get drunk and seriously? He is not in the mood for that right now.

Eduardo is dancing, hips moving to the music, a purple penis pop in hand.

“Argh,” Mark says, trying to rip the mushroom-shaped tip off of his shot. He is not going to watch, no. He tries to stick his finger in the hole of the dick.

“Don’t know how to suck dick? I could teach you,” a voice says from behind him.

“No, thanks,” Mark says, through gritted teeth. “I just want a drink.” And before someone can make a line from that he adds, “of alcohol. So I can get good and drunk.”

“That bad, honey?” the guy says. “Okay, I put my number in your phone,” he murmurs in Mark’s ear, squeezing his shoulder in what would be a comforting gesture if he wasn’t leering at him at the same time.

“It’s not my phone,” Mark says. As if he would ever be so stupid as to leave his phone lying around at a party, even if it is at his place.

The guy doesn’t seem to care, joining the throng of bodies grinding on the makeshift dance floor.

Mark resumes trying to rip the head of the dick off his shot, cursing the sheer number of sleazy friends Chris has. Chris is a nice guy, how does he know so many smarmy creeps? Do nice guys attract dicks like magnets? Mark finally manages to remove the plastic head but then spills the precious alcohol down his shirt. “Oh, c’mon,” Mark says, grabbing another penis from the pink platter with a loud sigh. He sucks it down the way he’s supposed to, caving out of desperation. Mark has no idea what’s in it but it’s cloudy and white and bitter and wow, he really hopes it’s not actually semen. That said, he doesn’t care too much as long as there’s _some_ alcohol in it. He slams the glass down so hard that it bounces on the table. He’s already got his hand on another dick, ready to go.

“Whoa, easy,” someone says, a hand warm at his elbow.

“I don’t want to fuck you, and I don’t want you to fuck me, thanks,” Mark says loudly.

Whoever it is laughs and Mark spins around, refusing to relinquish his grip on the penis shot.

“Mark,” Chris says, leaning on the counter. “I am glad you don’t want to have sex with me.”

Mark flushes, stuttering. “I t-t-hought you were-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Chris says with an easy smile. “Thanks for this, really, it’s the best. Are you okay?” he asks, gesturing at the shots in front of Mark.

Mark rolls his eyes. “They’re not all mine,” Mark says.

“Just, take care of yourself okay? You’re a good friend.” He snags a shot himself. “To happiness,” he says seriously, raising his glass. “And many sexy returns.”

“Speak for yourself,” Mark says.

“Hey, Mark, you’re sexy,” Chris says.

“You’re drunk,” Mark says.

Chris gives Mark a look but meets Mark’s glass with a clink.

Mark watches as Chris downs his perfectly while he splashes half of his down his chin. Fuck it, some people like messy blowjobs, Mark thinks.

“I love this song!!!” Dustin screeches. “HI MARK! COME JOIN THE HOT TAMALE TRAIN!” And then Chris is pulled into the conga line by Dustin. Chris, the traitor, yanks Mark along so that they are all stamping their feet in a line like the civilized citizens they are. Mark flails and tries to get out of the line but Chris is laughing so he holds on just as someone slips their hands on his shoulders.

“Don’t worry, I’m right behind you, dude,” says shady Rico. “I’ve got your ass covered.”

“Um,” Mark says, letting go of Chris. “Bathroom!”

“Oooh, I knew you were a bathroom sex kind of guy! Right up my alley, just down and dirty then BOOYA! Lead the way, I’m gonna come-”

“By myself,” Mark interrupts, horror dawning. “We are. Not. Having. Sex.”

“Do you mean, like, in a Bill Clinton kind of way?” Rico says, his brows knitting together. “I could roll with that, like-”

“No. No. Sex. At all,” Mark says firmly and gets out of there as fast as he can. He’s had a few drinks and he actually really does have to piss. He gets to the nearest bathroom and doesn’t even open the door because he can hear the moans from the hallway.

He walks past the bowl of penis pops and scoops several into his pocket to spite Dustin. It’s not like anyone cares. They’re probably too busy actually sucking dick. Mark reminds himself to hire a cleaner because there is no way he’s cleaning up after this many horny guys.

The second bathroom he tries has a person with long hair sitting in the big bathtub leaning on an inflatable dick. She or he has anal beads around his neck. Their hands are covering their eyes and they are counting underneath their breath.

“Damien?” the person says in a breathy voice. “I’m ready to play.”

Mark shuts the door.

“Ugh, Chris, don’t you have any friends that aren’t weird?” Mark mumbles.

He doesn’t bother with the rest of the toilets, going for the one adjacent to his room. Mark is glad when he can finally relieve himself. He washes his hands and his face and wonders if he can hide in the bathroom for the rest of the night, like he’s in high school again.

Mark sighs. He wipes his face dry on the towel and looks at himself in the mirror.

There’s a knock.

“Mark?”

Mark jumps and knocks over the handwash and it falls to the floor in a clatter. Luckily it’s a plastic bottle so Mark rights it again.

“Are you okay?” The voice is kind, familiar-

“Eduardo?” Mark says incredulously, yanking the door open to check.

Eduardo must have been leaning on the door, not expecting it to open because he stumbles in, his hand clawing at Mark’s shirt, pulling it down to reveal a pale shoulder. “Oops,” he says, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards as he slowly releases Mark.

Eduardo’s shirt is half undone, revealing tan skin that Mark wants to mark with his mouth. It’s like clothes just undo themselves when they are put on Eduardo. And Eduardo’s shirt is sticking to him, clinging to his slim frame. Mark can see Eduardo’s nipples with each breath.

“Really, Wardo?” Mark says, tearing his eyes from Eduardo’s chest and meeting his gaze. Eduardo’s pupils are blown, dark and mischievous. His lips are red, unnaturally red and Mark wants to taste them, taste _him_.

Eduardo crowds him against the cool tiles of the bathroom with one hand, breathing heavily. He reaches inside Mark’s hoodie pocket, chasing the telltale rustle of candy. He tears the packet open with his teeth and sticks the scarlet lick-a-dick in his mouth. “Hi,” he says around the candy, pulling it out with a wet pop. “Wanna suck my dick?”

Mark surges up to kiss him. “I want you,” he says, mouthing at Eduardo’s jaw, capturing his lips once more before he slides to his knees.

“Me too,” Eduardo says as Mark reaches inside his pants to free his cock from its fabric prison. And then Mark’s mouth is enveloping his cock and he drops everything, forgets everything, just holds onto Mark.


End file.
